Fire Skin Part 2

Waking up at 5am about to claw your skin off is not fun. So another day has come and gone and my skin is still on fire. It looks better, but doesn't really feel better. I guess the Benadryl must be working a little bit. I'm about to wear out that bottle and I just got it yesterday! (Speaking of yesterday, Beth I'm sorry and responded to your comment if you haven't already seen it.)

So today was my lounge day, since I really couldn't do anything. I've been knitting a lot, playing with Bella, and watching Friends over the past two days. As good as that might sound, it gets a little boring, but then again so does my life sometimes. I've always been an on the go girl, having a million things to do at once and never a dull moment. Now that I'm not in school and track and James has left the country, it leaves a lot to be desired.

Oh sure I was ready for a change, I just always assumed it would be a good change. From school to a real job, from track to more of a social life, and from a little James to a lot of James. My perfect little plan didn't work. In fact it is far from it. I really don't like where I am right now on multiple levels. Emotionally I am completely spent and to top that off my three best friends who know me better than I know myself, who I've always gone to in situations like these, are either in Baghdad, Michigan, or South Carolina. Hardly a short drive away for a shoulder to cry on. Yes, I have some amazing friends here too, two of which have done more for me than I could have ever hoped for, but sometimes it's hard for me to completely open up to new people or to show my "weaker" side. That wasn't really an option last week when I broke down at work for no apparent reason, one of my fears had come to life. I could go all psychotic and explain it in terms that really are just made up to make people who think too highly of themselves feel smart, but I don't want to. I can however, take it directly back to James leaving. Until you have experienced this situation, don't say you understand, because I guarantee you don't. You can sympathise, and that's great, but I don't really want sympathy. That means people are looking at you and thinking "Aw that poor girl." I don't want to be the "poor girl." That's never been who I was.

This deployment has been harder on both of us, as I thought it would be. The one tip I tell everyone, I can't even follow myself. "Stay busy." I can't even beg for a real job or another part time job, let alone more hours where I am now. (They have cut pretty much every one's as it is.) I make just enough money to cover my bills, so doing stuff is also pretty limited. So what else is there to do but sit around playing with Bella, knitting, watching Friends, and getting depressed? So as if that doesn't make me the happiest camper on earth, I get to see everyone else go on with their happy little lives having babies, getting married, going to grad school, traveling, or the really lucky ones that are finding jobs. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for just one of those things. A job would make me feel so much better about myself. If I had my pick, I would definitely want James back home, but that's not happening anytime soon thanks to Uncle Sam. I knew him leaving would be hard, but I never imagined it would send me into this emotional wreck. The smallest comment or thought can flip me out and I've become so unhappy where I am. It makes me want to go crawl into a hole and hibernate for a year. Too bad I'm not a bear, huh?

So all that is really left to do is to just keep getting up in the morning and taking it one day at a time. Some days are worse than others, but being alone is the worst of all. It's those times that my worst enemy comes out, myself. That crazy little mind of mine starts going, and once it's going it's impossible to turn off. The only thing I can do is remind myself that this is temporary. I will find a real job really soon and then I will be able to pay my bills, not have to work at Hallmark if I don't want to, and have time/money to go out and have a social life with my friends. Of course then comes the best part of all, James coming home. That's the icing on the cake. That's when my life will be put back together and I can feel normal again. Who would have thought that boy would turn my world upside down? Two and a half years ago, I didn't.

I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things, even if you can't let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more then feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around you. -Scrubs