Strength? Maybe To Someone

"Yes, there will be rivers for you to cross, but when you walk through the waters, He will be with you, and, yes there will be mountains for you to climb, but when you can't take another step, He will carry you, and there will be people to cherish, and hearts to change, but He will hold your hand every step of the way."

Oh where to start? Well this past weekend was hard to say the least. I guess you can prepare yourself for it, but in the end there is no amount of preparation that gets you ready for that day... That feeling... That goodbye.

The whole week was hard. Knowing what laid ahead was torture and time seemed to go faster than possible. James said that we've been through this before and he is right, but this time feels completely different. We are closer and our relationship has grown so much. You may think that could make it easier, but on the contrary, it only makes it harder.

In the past few days I have been hailed a "strong" and "amazing" woman. I've never felt or seen myself that way at all, especially not the past week. Maybe its perspective, but I've always pictured a "strong woman" as someone like Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa, Clara Barton, Anne Hutchinson, or even Helen Keller. Someone who isn't afraid of anything. A woman who is determined and passionate about something to the point of giving her last breath for it. Someone who stands up for her beliefs and one who puts others before herself day after day.

Not someone like me. I'm an ordinary girl starting what is looking to be one of the hardest and longest years of her life. No boyfriend, no job, and a limited social life. Sounds like a charity case waiting to happen. Or already has I should say. I've seen the looks and heard the comments after only four days.

I've just adjusted to having my boyfriend here when he is swept right back away from me for a year. Over half of our relationship he has been over seas. So yes to answer your questions, I am not having a great time and getting used to this will probably not happen in the next year. There is a huge hole in my heart and life. How am I supposed to get used to that? I can already tell you it doesn't happen.

I slept the whole way back from Indiana, not because I was extremely tired, but because if I didn't sleep, I would cry the whole way home. That has been the story of my life the last four days... Sleep, cry, eat, cry, sleep. I had an interview which temporarily got my mind off of it and today at work was interesting. Being in a different state of mind really showed me just how silly people can be sometimes. Is getting a gold seal seriously something to get upset about? Does that person really deserve you gossiping about them? Is it really that important? These questions were going through my mind all day today while watching and hearing people in the store. It really put things into perspective for me.

Now I'm back to being the odd girl out. The "lonely" girl. The one who is constantly watched by everyone she knows for a sign of weakness. Trust me its there. Oh is it there. I just hide it well. I'm not strong and I am by no means amazing. I cry a lot, especially at night when I'm alone. I mope. I get depressed. I'm get lost and I really don't have it all together. I'm just getting through it, because I know that a year from now, life will be good again.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."